Why we should return to the middle ages…

January 10, 2007 | Written by admin

Okay, I’ll admit it: I stole that title. Back in the 80′s, when George Will was known as a neo-con, and was writing a popular column about American culture, the  folks at the National Lampoon put out a fake newspaper, complete with a fake George Will column about our deteriorating values. They used "Why We Should Return to the Middle Ages" as their title, though I’ll admit the title was funnier than the actual column.

But I have my own reasons for being regressive. I HATE COMPUTERS. Well, maybe not all computers. (My son tells me that a computer actually helps my car run and my high-def TV look nice, so those are GOOD computers.) I just hate the fact that my life depends on THIS computer. The one I own, which I’m typing on, and which is no doubt reading these words and thinking of ways to take retribution.

The fact is, if we returned to the Middle Ages, we would be able to live with computers. What a lovely thought. I could much more easily deal with Mongol hordes or church persecution than waste my time arguing with a stupid PC. 

Here’s the thing: A week ago, my stupid computer just stopped working. I mean, I was in here at ten o’clock one night, answering emails and pretending I have a life (shuddup).  I walk down to my office the next morning, and nothing works. Not email, not the internet, not my Word files. Nothing. So I spend the day running virus scans and tweaking varous "help" menus. The next day I think I have it all working, only to find out that (SURPRISE!) I don’t. Dang. So have to unbuckle the stupid thing, drive it to the Geek squad, who clean it and…well, do whatever it is geeks do to computers. (Change the oil and filter? Check the air pressure?) Then they tell me it’s fine, and bill me a hundred buck. No viruses, no crossed wires, all is well. I’m happy it’s fine, so I give the boy a firm handshake, pay him his money, and race home.  Only to find out that it’s still not working.

I call, and Geek-boy tells me something like, "It’s your ABBY wireless utility prompt. Just go to your network hyper wizard, click on ‘pentroit,’ then find your wired digital media JASC. That should do it."

Um…do what? I have no idea what he’s just said. So I jiggled the wires and looked sternly at it for a while. Then I called somebody else — a guy who makes house calls. He shows up, frowns, and — poof! The computer gods smiled. Suddenly everything works. I asked him what he’d done (using as much techno lingo as I could muster), and he looked at me and said, "Nothing. It works fine. I won’t even charge you." Problem solved.

You’ve got to understand, I have one of those jobs where I LIVE on my computer. I mean, my job consists of sending emails, working on manuscripts & proposals, and inserting words and figures into small electronic squares. So without my computer for three days, I got NOTHING done. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It even lost my BLOG, fer cryin out loud (I had created a short post that was wonderful — insightful, witty, emotional…you’d read it and want to go speak in tongues. Trust me. And all lost. Sigh…) 

So sorry for not writing. I’m up and running once again, trying to catch up to everything I missed.  Please don’t tell me how I need to get a Mac (I’ve already been told). And within the next 24 hours, I’ll actually have something to say about writing. Promise.

Chip

Posted in Deep Thoughts

  • http://spyscribbler.blogspot.com spyscribbler

    Ack! It could be worse, really. We’ve got three computers in the house (run a business at home: one for me, one for DH, one for clients to use) and we had an intricate triple back-up system in place, so that if one went down, two backups would survive.
    What do you know, but in August of ’05 all THREE went kaputt within six days of each other? Eight years of building up my business … gone!

  • Pam Halter

    I keep telling people it’s computer demons. Nasty buggers that wait until the worst possible time and then they zap the wires or electrodes and you’re down. They get a lot of enjoyment watching us pull our hair and curse and pace. And call the Geek Squad.
    I lost my internet for 3 days last week, just when I was waiting to hear from an editor about my proposal, which is going to the editoral board! Ack!! But we replaced the modem and are up and running again … until the next attack …

  • http://christianlovestories.blogspot.com Kristy Dykes

    Thank. God. Your. Computer. Is. Fixed.
    Whew.
    Kristy Dykes LOL

  • http://christianlovestories.blogspot.com Kristy Dykes

    Now that I’ve read your post, I’ll comment. My other comment was BEFORE I read your post.
    You said, “…you’d read it and want to go speak in tongues.”
    K: I can’t stop laughing long enough to comment.
    Kristy Dykes

  • http://christianlovestories.blogspot.com Kristy Dykes

    I once had a computer problem, and my computer guy told me my jats needed blasting…or was it my blats needed jasting? Or something like that. Anyway, imagine, someone telling me my blats needed jasting. Me, a prim and proper Southern lady. I was embarrassed. LOL Okay. Back to writing my epic novel.
    Kristy Dykes

  • http://www.rachelhauck.com Rachel Hauck

    Too funny, and I CAN so relate. I laughed out loud when you wrote how you looked sternly.
    Your posts are one of the few blogging posts I don’t skim. :)
    Hey, you should be a writer. LOL.
    Rachel

  • http://ronestrada.blogspot.com Ron Estrada

    You did just write about writing. Whenever I send something via e-mail off to an agent, publisher, my mother (I need an ego boost every now and then), I just know that my rebelious computer has reformatted the entire manuscript to something called Comix Font size 42 and colored it with a pink background. So when some poor writer e-mails you and asks if you got the last e-mail, you know why. The geeks are out to get us, too.

  • http://zanesmilkmachine.blogspot.com Michelle Pendergrass

    At least now we know we weren’t being ignored. LOL

  • David Thomas

    Can anyone else envision Chip spending three days on the public library’s computers, working as fast and furious as possible for the maximum 15 minutes allowed, then going to the back of the line to await his next 15 minutes of work?

  • http://rmabry.blogspot.com Richard Mabry

    Chip,
    Sorry about your problems. As per your request, I won’t tell you that you need a Mac. But–Yxx Nxxd X Mxc.
    (Written on a Mac…that has never crashed, burned, torqued, short-circuited, or had its PRAM zapped).

  • http://www.wit4life.com Lisa DeLay

    When will you PC people EVER learn?
    MACs don’t have those problems. SIGH. . .
    : )
    Glad you’re back.
    Much Love from PA
    L, (the beautician)

  • http://www.gracereign.blogspot.com Paula

    glad you’re back!

  • http://www.danamentink.com Dana

    Oh dear. Sounds like your computer was “plutoed.” My grandmother would say it’s the Russians. At least, that’s what she would say when the weather went wonky. I’m sure it applies to computers too. Dana

  • http://www.colleencoble.com colleen Coble

    You need a Mac. LOL I was like you up to a year ago. Except that I LIKE computers and can even build a PC from scratch. I’m the geek everyone calls when they have a problem.
    But one morning, I snapped. My computer was frozen yet once again downloading yet another Windows update and new virus definitions. I said, “‘I’m getting a Mac.” And I did. And I’ve never looked back! LOL