Why we should return to the middle ages…
January 10, 2007 | Written by admin
Okay, I’ll admit it: I stole that title. Back in the 80′s, when George Will was known as a neo-con, and was writing a popular column about American culture, the folks at the National Lampoon put out a fake newspaper, complete with a fake George Will column about our deteriorating values. They used "Why We Should Return to the Middle Ages" as their title, though I’ll admit the title was funnier than the actual column.
But I have my own reasons for being regressive. I HATE COMPUTERS. Well, maybe not all computers. (My son tells me that a computer actually helps my car run and my high-def TV look nice, so those are GOOD computers.) I just hate the fact that my life depends on THIS computer. The one I own, which I’m typing on, and which is no doubt reading these words and thinking of ways to take retribution.
The fact is, if we returned to the Middle Ages, we would be able to live with computers. What a lovely thought. I could much more easily deal with Mongol hordes or church persecution than waste my time arguing with a stupid PC.
Here’s the thing: A week ago, my stupid computer just stopped working. I mean, I was in here at ten o’clock one night, answering emails and pretending I have a life (shuddup). I walk down to my office the next morning, and nothing works. Not email, not the internet, not my Word files. Nothing. So I spend the day running virus scans and tweaking varous "help" menus. The next day I think I have it all working, only to find out that (SURPRISE!) I don’t. Dang. So have to unbuckle the stupid thing, drive it to the Geek squad, who clean it and…well, do whatever it is geeks do to computers. (Change the oil and filter? Check the air pressure?) Then they tell me it’s fine, and bill me a hundred buck. No viruses, no crossed wires, all is well. I’m happy it’s fine, so I give the boy a firm handshake, pay him his money, and race home. Only to find out that it’s still not working.
I call, and Geek-boy tells me something like, "It’s your ABBY wireless utility prompt. Just go to your network hyper wizard, click on ‘pentroit,’ then find your wired digital media JASC. That should do it."
Um…do what? I have no idea what he’s just said. So I jiggled the wires and looked sternly at it for a while. Then I called somebody else — a guy who makes house calls. He shows up, frowns, and — poof! The computer gods smiled. Suddenly everything works. I asked him what he’d done (using as much techno lingo as I could muster), and he looked at me and said, "Nothing. It works fine. I won’t even charge you." Problem solved.
You’ve got to understand, I have one of those jobs where I LIVE on my computer. I mean, my job consists of sending emails, working on manuscripts & proposals, and inserting words and figures into small electronic squares. So without my computer for three days, I got NOTHING done. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. It even lost my BLOG, fer cryin out loud (I had created a short post that was wonderful — insightful, witty, emotional…you’d read it and want to go speak in tongues. Trust me. And all lost. Sigh…)
So sorry for not writing. I’m up and running once again, trying to catch up to everything I missed. Please don’t tell me how I need to get a Mac (I’ve already been told). And within the next 24 hours, I’ll actually have something to say about writing. Promise.