And the winner is…
May 13, 2007 | Written by admin
This year’s Bad Poetry contest has been wonderfully bad. Truly wretched. It’s another sign that the drug problem in this country continues unabated. It has also revealed something very deep and important to all of us: Unfortunately, I don’t know what it is. Not being a true poet, I’m not sensitive enough to grasp it.
But yesterday I sat down at Old Chicago, drank two Black Butte Porters, and with a team of thoroughly trained experts (Janice, the waitress, had taken a creative writing class at Portland Community College; and Hector, the busboy, laughed heartily at everyone’s entries…though he didn’t appear to speak English, so he may not have been as helpful as he could have) we’ve come up with our winners!
First, some notes are in order:
1. Famed British novelist Penelope Wilcock showed actual talent in her poetry, thus immediately disqualifying herself. (You should be ashamed, Pen.)
2. My sister Cindy wrote a truly terrible ditty, and would have received bonus points for squeezing in the name of bad rocker Garry Pucket, but here at the Bad Poetry Society we take seriously the charges of nepotism. We also take seriously the charges of communism, rheumatism, and antidisestablishmentarianism.
3. Janet Bly’s entry revealed she had actually READ the writing of P.G. Wodehouse, and knew how to insert them into a bad poem. She was immediately replaced in the competition. We can’t have that sort of thing going on here, Janet.
4. While several of the entries revealed deepfulness and reflectivosity (John Robinson’s Angry Young Man and Kelly Klepfer’s Look-at-me-I’m-depressed odes are two wonderfully awful examples), some people (like Jenness) obviously took the easy way out: She relied on drugs.
5. Sandra Glahn rhymed "orange" with "door hinge." I just thought it was important to point that out.
6. And finally, Lynette Horner’s exploration of faux spirituality and HEYLOOKATME songleaders in church was great…but THE LORD TOLD ME NOT TO GIVE HER ANY AWARDS. Sorry, Lynette. Take it up with Him.
So that leads us to our actual awards!
Winning the DISHONORABLE MENTION award is western writer Steve Bly for his awful "Moose Without Lips." The enduring image of his first line ("Her love was as shallow as a moose without lips") made me spew my coffee onto my screen. Moose have lips?
Winning THIRD PLACE in our annual bash is Margo Carmichael for "One Wish," a poem that can only be described as execrable. All the depth of a potato chip. Bravo, Margo! Loved it!
Winning SECOND PLACE (an important role, for should our champion be unable to fulfill her duties, the runner-up has to wear the tiara and wash my car) in a very close competition is Jen for the terribly trivial and tasteless "Ode to Snow." Anyone who can explore the benefits of missing school while referencing Pamela Anderson’s best attributes and Britney’s missing one (to say nothing of her passing reference to a couch-jumping Tom Cruise) deserves something. I’m not sure what.
And now, the winner of our competition, and the 2007 Bad Poetry Contest FIRST PLACE award winner: M.E.D. for "Blind Puppy on the Freeway"!!! The judges found it delightfully defective and deficient. It contained this immortal refrain:
"Love, love, love, love,
Love, love, love,
That sort of writing genius is hard to come by. (Thank God.)
M.E.D. is therefore the recipient of this year’s grand prize: A genuine, pristine, autographed, first edition copy of THE Y2K FAMILY SURVIVAL GUIDE. Read it and weep. Life will never be the same again, my darling.
Thanks to everyone who participated!
Our Legal Notice: The decision of the judges is final. If you have a complaint, please take it up with Hector. Use of these poems is restricted to the authors, preferably after consuming several adult beverages. The views expressed in these poems are not the perspective of the management, except in the case of Lynette, who I agree with completely. Do not attempt to drive or use heavy machinery while quoting these poems to others. Regular reading of these poems can cause headaches, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, cramping, erectile dysfunction, loss of memory, the ability to turn every sentence into a bad rhyme, and may make you refer to your mother as "Mr Froggy Man.’" After reading these out loud, some people may speak in tongues. These are not to be used as a cure for any deadly disease. If you see me in a crowd, pretend you don’t know me.