Wow. I must say, there are a LOT of bad poets out there. In case you didn't read them, this year's entries in our annual Bad Poetry Contest brought us verses about dead cats, naked cucumbers, and constipation (keep pushing, anita). Jimmy Jacobson brought us zombies, and one deep thinker offered his thoughts on "Ned the Hamster." Sensitive and reflective author Cathy West, ruminating on the industry, penned these moving words: Dear Writer, as you think you are, I shall tell you kindly from afar, You Suck. You're awful. Terrible. And you stink too."
It's exactly that type of thoughtful work that has made my annual Bad Poetry Contest such a popular stop for those people in the industry with serious drug problems — er, I mean, for people in the industry with a serious appreciation for deep and meaningful what-have-you. If you're not aware, I do this every year the week of my birthday, and it's turned into a spiritually enriching time for people to write things such as Sina'i's deep thoughts on life: Puppies. Rainbows. Golden poop.
That's it. The entire poem. I have no idea what it actually means, but in my life I've had my share of each — sometimes all at once, I suppose. And it's that sort of mindless tripe our college lit professors drilled into us, explaining how the words of sensitive poets reach out across the miles to unite us all in, um, something. (I could never stay awake in poetry class, so I'm not sure what it's uniting us in. World peace, or membership in the Trilateral Commission or something. But that's not the point.) The point is that we got to see some really, really bad poetry here.
Oh sure — there were some folks who don't get it. There are those who are purposefully funny. Some write bad country-western lyrics. Others feel a deep need to write something akin to "Chip's birthday makes him so old, I hope my poem is really bold." Those people won't win THIS poetry contest. (Those people will no doubt wind up in hell, but that's for another blog.) The best bad poetry is reflective but purposefully shallow. Thoughtful, but only for someone with the brains of a cocker spaniel. It takes itself seriously, but doesn't seem to realize the rest of the world thinks it was written by a thirteen-year-old girl. And it's THESE folks who stood out in a crowd, declaring, "I'm a bad poet, and I want the world to know!"
So, after much debate and a couple very tasty birthday margaritas, I present to you our TOP TEN BAD POEMS OF 2009…
10. Nicole's The Bad Dump was not only truly wretched, it contained this image:
Now I lie on the heap with the refuse of other broken hearts.
Shredded plastic bags and full diapers.
Dumped like me.
Not everyone can offer such a tasteless picture. It will long be there, lodged like a stone in the kidney of my mind. Nice work, Nicole.
9. I really wanted to give this spot to my daughter, Molly MacGregor, who brought us an epic poem from Iceland (a country she's never visited), or to my sister, Cindy MacGregor, who has been to Iceland but, for reasons I'll never know, chose instead to write references to Frank Zappa's "Moving to Montana." However, new Federal Bad Poetry Laws prohibit me from offering them a spot on my top ten list. So instead, this will have to go to Daniel Gereige, who lives in Australia and couldn't figure out that the Annual Bad Poetry Contest is a joke. So he wrote in to tell us all to buy a copy of his new book,which he said contains "deeply enlightened poetry." I just want you to stop and think about that for a moment… He's so remarkable dense he thought this contest was worth joining to enhance his career, but he claims to have written something that's not only enlightened, but DEEPLY enlightened. Uh-huh. I'm hoping by now his mom has taken him aside and explained all this to him. You win the stupid award.
8. Any poem that contains such thoughts as "I'm deeper than the stain Embedded deep in the carpet" is sure to capture some attention, and Melissa Kerkhoff's paean to her own wonderfulness reminds me of being back at Patrick T. Brown Junior High. As she puts it to eloquently, "I'm not bound by simple rules Like poetry having consistent rhythm and rhyme." You rock, gurlfriend!
7. The fake depth and underlying anger of Stephen came out extraordinarily bad in his poem for the advent season: "Endless, endless are the tears that drop like sweet and sour sauce from an overfilled plate on the long walk between buffet line and a corner table where I sit alone." Not only does he promise to form words "with Scrabble tiles and hot-glue each word to your cubicle wall," but he offers this profound bit of cultural insight: "Sighing, sighing, sighing, sighing, and then finally remembering to inhale to keep from fainting like a first-time author on Oprah's couch." Terrible. Really bad. I salute you, Stephen.
6. In the top group must be included the melodious meanderings of Hajid Kirduz Mesechnohech, who brought us this bit of doggerel:
Then did Hajid lace up sneakers,
take swig of fermented goatsmilk,
and straighten best red-tasseled hat.
He took wooden harp from pack and
began to sing song of salt and
barbed cockroach of Adlu-Haziz.
Soon Bildar was weeping like small
castrated goatling. "Please stay and
sing songs all my days," he outcried.
"Nay," spake Hajid. "But you can buy
>book or CD from my website."
Then handed business card to snake.
I think we all can pretend to get a deep and meaningful lesson from those words. [insert nod here]
5. Demain Farnworth's The Don Juan of Motor City made everyone's top five. The judges were particularly impressed with his deep imagery: "I'm spicy like taco meat." Nice.
4. Last year's winner, MEC, came back with another bit of adolescent-inspired meaningfulness, including these lines:
I was me, so was she,
that dead body in the car.
I could not understand
why they left her alone
so long they forgot her
and she died right there
and only a few rings on her toes
to identify who she was.
I liked the heart one best.
Not bad enough to win our Grand Prize, but a really awful poem none the less, MEC.
3. Kay Day won third place by bringing a sensitive note to the proceedings with:
Someday I will once again
walk in the brightness
of happiness
I will walk like a girl who is happy
like a girl with ballet slippers on her feet
and I will think only of love and joy
rainbows and kittens
Someday when my precious boy stops puking.
Awful! A Truly Bad Poem, Kay. Fabulously bad. Thanks for your participation.
2. In second place (and it's always important to have a strong second place finisher, since should our first place winner be unable to fulfill the demands we place on the champion, the second place person is responsible to poke fun at the schmuck) is the immortal Fred Gippler, for this total stinker:
Blue
The color of rainbows.
The color of her soft lips as she drove us to Taco Bell.
That
Last
Time
Never forgotten, the moment, frozen in the infinite voice of space, as she chewed
the chalupa:
"Jim, I don't love you."
My name was Tony.
Couldn't.
Finish.
My Seven Layer Burrito.
The statement couldn't be taken back — it stood there between us, as real and solid
as a unicorn.
Bean dip dripped from her malformed chin onto my uncle's Gameboy.
My
Finnish
Uncle
Travis was his name.
My name was Tony.
There's something deeply stupid about that poem, so that it just sort of stays with you. Keep taking the medicine, Fred.
1. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the winner of our Grand Prize (which this year is a lava lamp from Spencer Gifts)… RON BENSON for his truly retch-inducing poem about fis
h! Here it is, in case you missed it and need something to help you lose that lunch:
Walleye eludes me.
Slimy catfish, full of industrial toxins, jump at my lures.
Sucker carp, all bulding doleful eyes and slate brick scales, raise their fins to beg,
"Catch me! Catch me!"
A bluegill volunteers itself. Surrenders to my will.
But my heart is not satisfied.
Walleye eludes me.
Why, oh why did I pay ten dollars
to register for the Freeland Walleye Festival Fishing Tournament?
Why, oh why did it rain all day that Friday?
Why, oh why did my nightcrawlers overheat in the car window,
congealing into a mass of gray flesh,
taunting me with their lifeless forms,
laughing from their Purgatory of worms?
Walleye eludes me.
My wife says, "Curse the walleye and die!"
But I've spent too much already.
The license
The rod and reel
The tackle and the box to hold it
The really, really big boat
I must fight on. I must endure. I must be victorious. I must.
Others pass by on the right and on the left.
They hoist their larder high, rubbing it in my face.
"They're biting tonight!" they shout.
"You can catch 'em in your hands!" they scream.
"My two-year-old caught a ten pounder!" one particularly large round specimen brags.
I fantasize about big hooks and poles
Big stinky fishermen being landed with big nets,
De-scaled, gutted, coated with corn meal and friend delicately.
Walleye eludes me.
Consider the deepfulness. Ponder the reflectivosity. Meditate on how long the guy worked on a Really Bad Poem. I'm WITH you, Ron — walleye eludes me, too, and I don't even fish. And that's why you're the winner of this year's grand prize. The lava lamp will NOT elude you, my friend. You are the 2009 Bad Poetry Champion. Take your bow.
chip