Okay, so maybe I’m not exactly on my death bed… but I caught this really lousy flu that has kept me in bed with a sore throat, aches, and a fever the last few days. Thought I’d emerge from my Robitusson-induced haze and answer a handful of questions from people.

Janet wrote to ask, "With the advent of e-book readers, how will this affect authors and the money they are paid? Will there be a bunch of ripple effects from all the electronic gadgets?"

Amazon’s Kindle and Sony’s e-reader are developing fans, and they are certainly beginning to sell some units. If you’re not aware, Kindle is a book-shaped reader with a great, easy-to-read screen that receives book text via cel phone technology. You can purchase a book from Amazon and they’ll send it to your Kindle wherever you are (using the same technology as text messaging) for ten bucks. A Kindle can hold about 200 titles before the memory is full. Last week Amazon cut the price from $399 to $349 — still too high, but moving in the right direction. I like the product a lot, though I think it’s a bit too plasticky. The Sony e-reader doesn’t have nearly as nice of a reading screen, but costs a hundred bucks less and you can send Word document to it — so many New York editors have been given them, in order to read manuscripts without having to lug around a bag full of heavy books. I’ve thought about getting one just so I could be reading the manuscripts of the authors I represent before they are sent into the publishers.

There are a lot of things to like about the future of these products, though neither are perfect. (The Kindle doesn’t do graphics; neither is doing textbooks yet.) Amazon reported yesterday that they now have 125,000 books available to send to your Kindle, and [get ready to look doubtful] that more than 6% of the overall sales of those available titles were sold to Kindle users. (That’s according to a report in Barron’s yesterday.)  All that is interesting, but to this point their impact on the market has been negligible.

Publishers are still debating how to pay an author for electronic books. Some want to pay a flat royalty like any other book (which is questionable at best, since the publisher has no ink/paper/binding costs). Others want to pay a higher royalty than a regular book. And still others want to pay a fairly high percentage of any money that comes in (I’ve seen it as low as 15%, as high as 50%). So… yes, there could be interesting ripples. It’s still shaking out, but theoretically an author should earn more from electronic sales than from a standard ink-and-paper book. Yet to this point… it hasn’t added up to enough money to matter.

A quick question from Jim: "What factors into a decision on whether or not a book should be published as a hardcover?"

Though most authors think of the main factor being prestige (i.e., "If they put me in HC, I must be a big shot!"), the factor that most plays into the decision is money. A hardcover book will cost $1.50 to $3 more to produce than a trade paper…but the cover price will rise $7 to $10. So the return on the investment in hardcover is greater. Simply put, "We make more money per book when we sell hardcover books." BUT we’ll also sell fewer books, since the price tag will keep many buyers from purchasing until it comes out in paper. Sometimes releasing a book in hardcover will kill it, since it won’t sell and therefore won’t leave open a trade paper following. And some genres just sell better in trade paper than they do in hardcover — many "Christian Living" titles just seem to die on the vine when offered in HC. So the publishing team looks at the numbers and makes some projections — If we project 10,000 sales in hardcover, but 35,000 in trade paper, is it worth releasing this book in HC first? Or should we just go straight to TP? I’ve been part of that discussion numerous times, and the numbers basically drive the decision.

Tiffany wants to know, "Is there a way an author can make his or her work more marketable for foreign rights? I’m fluent in French and would like to push publication in French-speaking countries. Should I create an entire marketing plan for francophonic countries? And do publishers simultaneously release in two languages?"

Oui, eet eez certainly possible to make money doing translation work, but writing exclusively for a French audience would probably mean you’d need to explore a French language publisher. A good agent should help an author try to make money by selling sub-rights and foreign rights. (Something I don’t see agents doing regularly.) A good publisher will do the same thing, and the larger publishing houses have Special Rights sales people who specialize in getting their books published in other countries and languages. However, I’m not sure how helpful it would be to actually pitch a French language book to an American publisher. It’s nice that you might be able to do a French version… but they’re not in the market of creating and selling French books. As they say in France, Passe moi le pomme de terre! (I think that means, "We sell American books to Americans," but my French is a bit rusty.)

Carol wrote and said, "In a recent discussion with a publisher about a nonfiction book proposal, he asked me, ‘Just how big do you think this will be?’ I wasn’t prepared to answer him. In fact, I have only the simplest notion of how I’d obtain such information. I can track similar titles, but different writing styles, different platforms, the cover, the marketing of the book, and a million other elements could influence that. What could I have said?"

I don’t think I’ve ever heard that question, but I think your words here are pretty good. You’re right — the overall success or failure of your book rests on a number of factors, and you’ve named some of the biggest. But perhaps your publisher was looking to gauge your enthusiasm — do you see this as being your life’s work? Have audiences responded with enthusiasm when you’ve presented this material at conferences? Is there a groundswell of support for this type of message at this time? I have occasionally asked authors the "what are you writing these days" question, and had them reply with, "What do you need?" That’s a weak answer, in my opinion, since it means I’m most likely going to see a book without much passion (and maybe without much research). There’s nothing wrong with writing to a topic, or writing to a need, but I at least want to know the author is enthusiastic about it, and knows enough about the topic to see potential success.

One other point: You mentioned referencing other titles. That’s a great idea. In fact, being able to point to similar books that have been successful generally offers a good reminder that people are looking for a solution to whatever problem you’re writing about. So this is the time to offer that short speech about how this topic has proven popular with readers, and you are the person to write it, and you have the solution everyone is looking for, and the writing is fabulous.

Rhonda wrote to me with this: "I have one publisher who looked at my proposal and said he was interested in my manuscript. He asked me to revise my sample chapters. But now a second publisher has called to make me an offer. What do I do? I think I’m actually more interested in the publisher who has asked for the rewrite, but I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth."

Here’s what I would do, Rhonda: "Hello, Mr. Publisher? I received your very nice note suggesting revisions to my chapter. In fact, I’ve already started doing those revisions, and I’m excited about the possiblity of working with you. But something has come up… I just received an offer from another publisher. In fact, it’s a very good offer, and I’m tempted… but you’ve always been my first choice to work with. I can beg off for a week or so, but would it be possible for you to have your team talk about my proposal and give me a response a bit sooner than we’d expected? In the meantime, I’ll be making those revisions you requested. Thanks very much."

And I’d offer you one caveat as well — make sure you have a reason for wanting to work with that first publisher. As I’ve said on this blog numerous times, organizational enthusiasm really counts in book publishing. If that second publisher sees great potential in you, and is enthusiastic about your writing, they may work harder to make you successful than a publisher who isn’t quite sure you’ve got what it takes. Give it some thought.

If you’ve got a publishing question, send it in. I’ll try to get to it before I die.

Well, I’m now 50. Older and wiser (hopefully). Please let me offer one short rumination…

Recently I made some comments about Mike Hyatt, the Thomas Nelson decisions, and the direction of CBA. That caused a couple people to write and ask me, "Why are you down on CBA?"

My response: "I’m not. Not at all." But their questions got me to thinking some things…

First, I love Christian books. My life has been changed by books I’ve read — I can point to some titles (The Ragamuffin Gospel, In the Name of Jesus, etc) and say with all honesty, "My life was never the same after having read that book." It’s the ministry a book can have in the life of a person that keeps me excited about words. When I read, I learn, and that changes me. And I’m one of those ignorant types who needs to learn a lot, since I’ve got a lot of changing to do.

Second, I love CBA and the things associated with it – authors, publishers, booksellers. Honest. I’ve been part of CBA for more than 20 years. I feel as though I know it inside and out — both its strengths and its weaknesses. I will sometimes poke fun at the stupid stuff (Armor of God pajamas and Standing on the Promises Insoles, for example), but let’s face it — those things are funny. Still, I don’t want anyone reading this blog and coming away from it thinking that I’m not supportive of great Christian books. I always want to remember the people I work with are trying to change the world for good.

Third, this is the Golden Age of Christian publishing. There have never been so many good books, done with such quality, and at such an affordable price. Some day we will all look back on this time as an incredibly rich season of Christian writing. I dare say there are more good writers, more training opportunities for those writers, and certainly more outlets for those writers (thanks to the web) than ever before. That’s a wonderful fact.

Fourth, I’ve been remiss in talking about the GOOD part of CBA. The fine writers. The skilled editors who spend their lives just trying to locate and foster talent. The publishers who risk large quantities of money and time to produce life-changing books. The sales teams that spend hours reading the books on their lists in order to best talk about them with people.

Sure, there are things I don’t like. I’d prefer a CBA bookstore to be an actual bookstore, rather than a store that sells trinkets and kitschy art. I think there’s abundant evidence that Christian bookstores began their decline when they started turning their focus away from books. We live in a specialized society, and I’m one of those who believes "Christian books" is enough of a niche to do well. But…well, I’ve had plenty of bookstore owners say that, in fact, they can’t make it on their book margins — they need the t-shirts and necklaces to pay the bills.

So I’m trying to take a fresh look. I was really touched by the note a former colleague posted on The Writers View (a web resource for Christian authors). The individual admitted having fallen into a trap of using cynicism, ego, sweeping generalities, and over-the-top snarkiness to criticize CBA. And all that cynical crud began to have a corrosive effect on the spirit. So, despite normally being a positive, sunny type, the author admitted acting like a teenager — using attitude and a faux sophistication to criticize and act cool as a way of impressing people. And it was stupid — the author needed to repent and be appreciative of all the good things in life; all the good things God has wrought.

Well… I’m there. That’s me to a T. I’ve been overly critical and snarky. I’ve exaggerated the facts. I even got to the point where I found myself rolling my eyes when somebody told me to "not let unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only that which is helpful for buiding others up." That’s right — I was rolling my eyes at Scripture. Yikes. (In case those words are new to you, Saint Paul wrote them in the First Century. It’s pretty good advice; you’ve got to admit.) It seems like there was this image of me (snarky, negative, curt) that I didn’t like at all. But maybe it was accurate.

That’s when I realized things had gotten off track. I’m normally a positive person, and I don’t know why I felt a need to act like such a freakin’ know-it-all. I’m not negative — my wife will tell you I’m the eternal optimist. I’ve been forgiven much, and I guess hitting 50 made me remember all the blessings God has given me, and that I need to appreciate His grace anew, and be humbled by the fact that I’m getting much better than I deserve. And stop ragging on the parts of CBA I don’t like. Because there’s a lot of great things happening in publishing. It’s not just a matter of "speaking the truth" in this life (another thing I’ve had issues with), but "speaking the truth in love." So I very much appreciated reading the post from that author (as well as the honesty it took to say those things). It moved me to take some time and reflect. And make sure I change.

So this is me — with a fresh look. Humbled over my mistakes. Sorry for my out-and-out bad choices. But ready to move forward.

And if this is sounding a bit too personal for you, here’s the fact you really need to know: I love books. I love writing. I particularly like books that have the potential to change people. And while I’m not sure there are many books that can change the world, I believe very much that words can help stir small changes in the lives of individuals. And it’s essential for me to believe that books change lives on an intimate level, because my own life has been changed by them.

Here’s to books that make a difference.

So today is my birthday — I hit the big Five-Oh, and I’m celebrating by holding my nose and pouring over all the really bad poetry that faithful readers have sent to my 2008 Bad Poetry Contest. My friends took me to J.K. O’Donnel’s Irish Pub for some inspiration, so let me offer some quick thoughts…

-Most of you really suck at this. I mean, really. You’re great sports for taking part, of course, but you need to know that poetry is not in your future. Trust me on this.

-A few rose above the badness and actually had nice rhymes and good images. You were immediately disqualified. (My son Colin sent in a 28-liner that actually rhymed and offered the image of "this violent reek in my nose hair." Sorry, son, but to craft truly BAD poetry you’d have skipped the rhyme and focused more on the cat poo.)

-Why is it that limericks make us smile? And why is it that nobody can really take a limerick seriously? I mean, Shakespeare never wrote limericks, did he? ("Forsooth and anon from Nantucket…")

-When will bad poets realize that rhyming couplets get really annoying after the first two lines? Egad. Once I got by the lines like "Happy Birthday Chipperoo, You are really full of poo," I wanted to smack the author with a stick. (Take note, Paulette Harris: "Happy birthday to you, woo woo woo" is not actually a "poem" – it’s more like a "bad idea.")

-While I’m at it, when will poets realize that most haiku is awful? I mean, the faux depth is laughable. Just creating the dumbest haiku imaginable will probably put you into the Poetry Hall of Fame.

-I’d like to point out that Kelly Klepfer offered us a rap. A RAP! Kelly will be mistaken for a rapper the day after PEOPLE Magazine names me to their list of "50 Sexiest Men." White people cannot rap, Dawg, no matter how many eminem CD’s you own. More on this subject later.

- I’d also like to point out that I had to disqualify my own daughter, Molly MacGregor, for bringing up Ralph Nader during an election season. See rule 48b(6). Oh, and I disqualfied Jim Rubart just on principle, for being a Washington Husky. (I’m an Oregon Duck, Jim. Wake up, man. The Huskies went 1 and 10 last year.)

-Though she didn’t win, it’s clear that Pam Halter has a nice way with words: "she smooshes us up and stuffs us down her baby’s throats." Lovely. Truly bad. And M.L. Eqatin offered some great deep thoughts on the role of meter that, well, helped me to see you were in the spirit of things. And Tiffany Colter’s Ode to Casserole, while too cutesy to win, still was awful. I salute you. One more: Ashley Weis penned something really foul: "Oh speak into my ear, what’s that I hear? The owl, the owl, Mr. Rowel." Um… Mr. Rowel? He was your sophomore English teacher, and this is how you pay him back, by sticking him into a bad poetry contest? Nice work!

Okay, so it’s on to the winners!

HONORABLE MENTION must go to John Robinson, who apparently was mixing his prescriptions again. Your "Monkey In a Cage" is genuinely wretched. You’re a pro at this. And Janet’s ode to "Little Debbie" brought a smile to my face. Wonderfully bad. A Forward’s use of "Obama, Osama, Oprah, Yo Mama" was an exceptionally rotten use of rhyme.

WORST HAIKU: An easy choice. Robert Treskillard sent this bit of deepfulness:

Walk on marshmallows
Or run fingers through the mud
That is not banjo

Yeah, bay-bee! Now THAT is bad poetry!

This year’s WORST IMAGE ribbon goes to Linda Shab’s Snot Bubbles and Tears, which left me reaching for a kleenex…

Snot Bubbles and Tears…
Where are you?
My phone doesn’t ring
The doorbell doesn’t chime.
My lips can’t sing.
I’m a mime.
Just a mime.
But my heart cries out!
The snot bubbles ooze from the chambers.
They mix with my tears -
Enough to drown me.
But that’s probably what you want….
Right?
I thought we had something special.
But I guess I was wrong.
So wrong.
What will I do now?
I’ll sit in sorrow
Until tomorrow.
Then I’ll get up and move on
With my empty life.
If the snot bubbles and tears don’t drown me first.

Wow. As bad poetry goes, that is a winner.

THE WORST REFLECTION ON LIFE AWARD goes to Alison Morrow in a landslide. I won’t share the whole thing, but any poem that offers the first few lines as "I, Yes I, I and not you, or u" reveals the true reflectivosity needed in a bad poet. You’re my hero, Alison. What a deep thinker.

Our MOST CREATIVE BAD POEM was no doubt developed after a bad migraine by Lisa Samson, who wrote a love ditty that went, in part,

Or maybe if we were on a base 8
System and a quarter
Was worth twenty cents,
And we were each worth ten
Cents.
Cents! You left me and it makes
No cents!

Have you ever known anyone to craft a love poem around a base 8 numerical system? Me neither. Thank God.

This year’s coveted CLEARLY ON DRUGS WHILE WRITING award goes to your favorite traditional tale-teller, Hajid Kirduz Mesechnohech, who gave us this bit o’ badness:

Rejection is like the salt from lake Mizzri
(imagine here strumming and goatsounds)
rubbed on a wounded and festersome foot,
which was stung by barbed cockroach of Aldu-Haziz.
The roach snuck into your sandal the day
when you planned to set out for new lunar feast
wearing your favored red-tasseled hat

Amen to THAT, Hajid! Your poem had all the sweetness of the secretions of the she-goat as it is rubbed on the festersome foot. And Ducktales is sure to be interested in the movie rights.

Okay, SECOND RUNNER UP goes to Fred Gippler for his truly awful poem, No, It Is Not My Bagel:

Let’s face it, there’s just something deeply stupid about that poem. Not just run-of-the-mill stupid, but in-your-face-disgrace sort of stupid. Love it! Exactly what I needed to see in bad poetry.

The FIRST RUNNER UP, who is very important, since if our champion cannot represent us on some random blogs that nobody ever visits, the FIRST RUNNER UP will be expected to take her place and pretend to be sober, goes to Darcie Gudger, for sending in these words:

Bad poetry.
Like, really, really bad.
Airplanes buzz around my cranium -
….with tootsie roll thoughts.

Poet laureates.
Say lor-ee-ates in the containium.
I mean continuum.

Free the monkeys!
Now!
I mean it!

Now THERE is a woman who understands the meaning of genuinely bad poetry. She offers bad rhymes, bad images, and even some mindless, off-topic shouts from the political left. Yes! THANK YOU for understanding what we’re doing here.

Don’t wait until the last minute — now’s your chance to show off that lack of talent!

Give us your wretched rhymes, your lousy limericks, your hurtin’ haiku. Every year at this time I celebrate my birthday by hosting the Bad Poetry Contest. We’ve got some absolute stinkers this year — poems about monkeys in cages, acrostics about casseroles,  and "fearsome fanged sparrows from the cliffs of Aldu-Hazziz." In other words, these are bad. Terrible. Rotten to the core. Just the way we like ‘em. We even had one woman reveal that the love of her life looked her in the eye and told her, "They look like big blue bowling balls." (Um… it should be noted she THOUGHT the guy was talking to her about her eyes.) And to top it off, two of my students took time away from their end-of-the-semster studies to rhyme "final" with "vinyl." Does my heart proud to know I’m discipling two young up-and-coming bad poets.

Last year’s winner was "Blind Puppy on a Freeway," which offered this inspiring chorus:

Love, love, love, love

Love, love, love

Love.

I don’t know. Whenever I read those words (sniff), there’s just something (sniff) that touches me (snort) RIGHT HERE (honk!). [For the sake of potential children reading this blog, we won't be showing pictures.]

Anyway, here’s your chance. Rage. Emote. Show us your deepfulness. Greatness awaits. (So does a copy of Does God Speak Through Cats, which is this year’s Grand Prize Selected Especially For You.) My 50th Birthday is Sunday, when I hope to be picking a winner, assuming I can still read and I’m not overcome by the fumes.

Poem away!