Over the last few days we had a good time reading bad poetry…but my birthday weekend is the only time of the year I do that sort of thing. I’m not trying to be a killjoy, but I’m not all that interested in creating a blog that tells you about my life, my dog, and what I had for dinner. If you want to know about American Idol, or what tv/movie/rock star said something stupid, or who was caught on film not wearing underwear, there are plenty of places you can go. Me? I’m boring. I try to keep this blog focused on writing and books. Basically people send me questions, and I try to answer them out of my experience as a writer/editor/publisher/agent. And if I don’t have a good answer, I just make something up. But I always do it in a pompous, stentorian manner, so that is sounds correct.

Samantha wrote me this past weekend and asked, "If you were my mentor, what are the skills you would share with me to help me develop a career in writing?" I love the question…may I just create a laundry list as my answer?

1. Develop a writing schedule (i.e., have a time and a place where you write regularly)

2. Have a goal (perhaps "create 1000 salable word per day")

3. Learn to get the words down on paper (you can revise later – it’s always easier to edit something than to create something)

4. Create short assignments for yourself (you’re not trying to write a book all at once — if you break it into pieces, you’re trying to get each small assignment done)

5. [This is going to offend some people, but hear me out] Be willing to create sh*tty first drafts (okay, that’s stolen from Anne Lamott, but it’s one of the best writing lessons ever…so what should I say? Poopy first drafts?)

6. Know what makes a good story (understand what a plot is and how to follow a story arc)

7. Learn to create true-to-life dialogue (nothing keeps people reading more than a great conversation)

8. Establish a place (many novelists has lost the art of establishing a setting)

9. Characters make your story (newer writers often want to focus strictly on plot; but strong characters are what add depth and texture to a story)

10. Understand what makes superb writing (great themes, the deep questions, wrestling with morality, decision making, choices that may not be correct)

11. Learn to organize your life (everybody needs a calendar, an address system, a filing system, and a "To Do" list)

12. Learn to partner "a big idea" with  "great writing" and "a solid platform" (publishers want all three)

13. What is unique about your idea? (Solomon was right — the writing of books is endless, so figure out what is different or special or fresh about yours)

14. Establish your voice (the hardest thing to do in writing, but the single most important step to becoming successful)

15. Network so that you can create strong relationships with other authors, with editors, and with publishers (it’s who you know…just like every other business)

16. Know your audience (books are read by individuals, so know exactly which individual is going to be reading your book)

17. Create perfect proposals (work to create a proposal your publisher can’t say "no" to)

18. Seek to understand the market (you don’t have to be driven by trends, but it’s important to know what they are)

19. Understand what helps writing sell (fiction is for entertainment, nonfiction is for education, but great writing for either should change me)

20. Know how to sell (your book, your idea, your self)

21. Establish a relationship with a good agent (there are some lousy agents out there, but a good agent can help shape your career as much as any choice you’ll make)

22. Know how to plan a writing career (how to write, what to write, when to write, who to write to, how to move forward, and when to go full time)

23. Be able to read through a publishing contract (understand what you’re signing and what it means)

24. Be able to negotiate (even agented authors need some basic negotiating tools)

25. Work hard at marketing (the author is the person most responsible for marketing the book, not the publisher, the editor, the sales team, the publicist, or the marketing director)

26. Know how to manage your money (writing is feast and famine…know how to fill in the gaps)

27. Understand yourself and your writing (plan your work and work your plan)

28. Politeness counts (express appreciation to others — success should be matched by grace)

29. Learn to give back (every good writer is a mentor who carries on the craft by investing in a protege)

30. Keep perspective on your life and work (publishing doesn’t make you smart or pretty or holy; getting your name in print doesn’t validate your life)

There you go — my list of things I’d share with you. If this interests you, I encourage you to pick up a copy of Carolyn See’s wonderful little book Making a Literary Life. In it, she encourages authors to write 1000 words and send a "charming note" each day. If you only did those two things, you’d probably be miles ahead of the pack. Maybe the best advice I know.

chip, who has no idea who is winning American Idol

This year’s Bad Poetry contest has been wonderfully bad. Truly wretched. It’s another sign that the drug problem in this country continues unabated. It has also revealed something very deep and important to all of us: Unfortunately, I don’t know what it is. Not being a true poet, I’m not sensitive enough to grasp it.

But yesterday I sat down at Old Chicago, drank two Black Butte Porters, and with a team of thoroughly trained experts (Janice, the waitress, had taken a creative writing class at Portland Community College; and Hector, the busboy, laughed heartily at everyone’s entries…though he didn’t appear to speak English, so he may not have been as helpful as he could have) we’ve come up with our winners!

First, some notes are in order:

1. Famed British novelist Penelope Wilcock showed actual talent in her poetry, thus immediately disqualifying herself. (You should be ashamed, Pen.)

2. My sister Cindy wrote a truly terrible ditty, and would have received bonus points for squeezing in the name of bad rocker Garry Pucket, but here at the Bad Poetry Society we take seriously the charges of nepotism. We also take seriously the charges of communism, rheumatism, and antidisestablishmentarianism.

3. Janet Bly’s entry revealed she had actually READ the writing of P.G. Wodehouse, and knew how to insert them into a bad poem. She was immediately replaced in the competition. We can’t have that sort of thing going on here, Janet.

4. While several of the entries revealed deepfulness and reflectivosity (John Robinson’s Angry Young Man and Kelly Klepfer’s Look-at-me-I’m-depressed odes are two wonderfully awful examples), some people (like Jenness) obviously took the easy way out: She relied on drugs.

5. Sandra Glahn rhymed "orange" with "door hinge." I just thought it was important to point that out.

6. And finally, Lynette Horner’s exploration of faux spirituality and HEYLOOKATME songleaders in church was great…but THE LORD TOLD ME NOT TO GIVE HER ANY AWARDS. Sorry, Lynette. Take it up with Him.

So that leads us to our actual awards!

Winning the DISHONORABLE MENTION award is western writer Steve Bly for his awful "Moose Without Lips." The enduring image of his first line ("Her love was as shallow as a moose without lips") made me spew my coffee onto my screen. Moose have lips?

Winning THIRD PLACE in our annual bash is Margo Carmichael for "One Wish," a poem that can only be described as execrable. All the depth of a potato chip. Bravo, Margo! Loved it!

Winning SECOND PLACE (an important role, for should our champion be unable to fulfill her duties, the runner-up has to wear the tiara and wash my car) in a very close competition is Jen for the terribly trivial and tasteless "Ode to Snow." Anyone who can explore the benefits of missing school while referencing Pamela Anderson’s best attributes and Britney’s missing one (to say nothing of her passing reference to a couch-jumping Tom Cruise) deserves something. I’m not sure what.

And now, the winner of our competition, and the 2007 Bad Poetry Contest FIRST PLACE award winner: M.E.D. for "Blind Puppy on the Freeway"!!! The judges found it delightfully defective and deficient. It contained this immortal refrain:

"Love, love, love, love,

Love, love, love,

Love, love,

Love."

That sort of writing genius is hard to come by. (Thank God.)

M.E.D. is therefore the recipient of this year’s grand prize: A genuine, pristine, autographed, first edition copy of THE Y2K FAMILY SURVIVAL GUIDE.  Read it and weep. Life will never be the same again, my darling.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Our Legal Notice: The decision of the judges is final. If you have a complaint, please take it up with Hector. Use of these poems is restricted to the authors, preferably after consuming several adult beverages. The views expressed in these poems are not the perspective of the management, except in the case of Lynette, who I agree with completely. Do not attempt to drive or use heavy machinery while quoting these poems to others. Regular reading of these poems can cause headaches, vomiting, explosive diarrhea, cramping, erectile dysfunction, loss of memory, the ability to turn every sentence into a bad rhyme, and may make you refer to your mother as "Mr Froggy Man.’" After reading these out loud, some people may speak in tongues. These are not to be used as a cure for any deadly disease. If you see me in a crowd, pretend you don’t know me.

My annual Bad Poetry Contest continues all day today and Saturday. The winner gets a genuine, autographed edition of my "Y2K Survival Guide" — you don’t want to miss THAT! So join the fun — send in your bad poems, your lousy limericks, your freakin’ free verse. It’s here. It’s now. It’s bad.

chip

Here it is — you’ve been waiting all year for me to host my annual BAD POETRY CONTEST at MacGregor Literary. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I always try to celebrate by inviting all the bad poetry my friends can muster. Just go to the bottom of this blog, hit “comments,” and post some lousy piece of doggerel as your way of joining in the celebration. It can be a crappy couplet, a bit of crummy free verse, a lousy limerick (let’s stay away from rhyming with the city of “Nantucket”), or any other ditty you create that shows what a sensitive and thoughtful artist you are, when you don’t happen to be worrying about your lack of a book contract or whining about the bad job of marketing your publisher is doing for you.

For those not in the know, this contest grows from my belief that every poet has the same message, which can be subtly summed up this way: “LOOK AT ME! I AM SENSITIVE AND REFLECTIVE AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! SO I’LL SHOW THEM HOW DEEP I AM BY WRITING POETRY!” (Feel free to edit that statement if you’re truly deep and meaningful.) I want you to know that I’m here for you poets — in fact, I was once accused of being sensitive, and have occasionally been forced to reflect on something, until I could grow up and get over it. Therefore, I’ve set aside the next few days just for you. Write! Create! Sit and contemplate your navel! Do…um…whatever it is you poets do while the rest of us are out earning a living. Then send in your bad poetry.

And the best news of all…the winner, chosen by an experienced team of expert bad poets (me, and maybe my friend Mike Allison, if he agrees to buy the Guinness) will receive a special GRAND PRIZE: an autographed, first edition of my bestselling book, The Y2K Family Survival Guide!!!  That’s right — the book that saved western civilization as we know it! (Had it not been for all those stupid Y2K books by people like me and Mike Hyatt and Shauntee Feldhahn, I’d probably be blogging in Chinese this very moment. In the dark, maybe. So just keep that in mind, Comrade. Mike Hyatt went on to become President of Thomas Neslon. Shauntee has written mumerous bestsellers. And I…uh…well, there’s no proof that the publishing of my book led directly to my being let go as a publisher with Time-Warner, but we’ve got people investigating that angle right now.)

Okay, your little piece of literary history awaits. Write!

What can I do to make one see,

I do so love bad po-e-try.

It is, to me, a sort of balm,

And writing it just makes me calm.

For each time that I sit and write,

I show my depth, reveal my plight.

I’m really a reflective sort,

Hiding in my writing fort,

Revealing sensitivity,

For rhyme and meter, brevity.

So come join my happy clan,

Write something – show you’re a man!

(Or a woman, if you aren’t home

to the Y chromosome.)

We await your craft and work,

Know that we will go beserk

When, upon this blog we see,

All your best bad po-e-try.

(The Most Reverend Jerry Chip MacGregor, President of the Bad Poetry Society)

I heard so many comments from people about my last blog that I thought I’d better offer a few more tips on book publishing contracts. How about a few quickee questions?

1. Is this a battle? No way. A contract isn’t a fight where somebody has to win and somebody else has to lose. Think of it as being a way for us to get all of our agreements down on paper, so that we both are clear as to what will happen in all the various scenarios. If you begin by looking at this as a fight, you’ve set yourself up for problems.

2. What should the big picture look like? In simple terms, a contract should ensure that the more books are sold, the more money you make. You can talk with your agent or a contracts person about how that plays out, but the more copies the publisher creates, the cheaper they are to print. That means there is more money coming in on each book — and you, as the author, should share in the reward.

3. Who gets the copyright? As you look over your contract, make sure the copyright is in your name. You’re not really "selling" your book to the publisher — you are granting them a license to sell your book to others. You created the book, and you still "own" it.

4. What are the royalties? If you’re doing a CBA contract, you’ll generally find that royalties are paid on net (that is, you’re paid a percentage based on the amount of money the publisher received for each book). Most ABA contracts will pay your royalty based on the retail selling price of the book. The standard hardcover royalty scale in ABA is 10% on the first 5000 copies sold, 12.5% on the next 5000 copies, and 15% thereafter.

5. How soon will the book release? Most contracts state that the publisher will release your book within 12-to-24 months after they receive the manuscript. That date keeps stretching out farther — not because the publishers wants to wait, but because production, marketing, and sales are all requiring more time. Publishers are now creating catalogs twelve months out, so making sure they will get the manuscript on time, then be able to edit and produce it in time to make the ship dates, puts significant pressure onto schedules.

6. Is it important that I read the fine print? Absolutely. One large publisher used to offer what looked like fair royalty rates, but in the fine print it noted that if they sold the book at a greater than 50% discount to stores, they’d only pay the author a half-royalty. That led their sales people to tell retailers, "Hey, I can give you 55% off, because that allows us to not pay the author as much." It meant the publisher made more money by giving the greater discount…but it also meant the author got the shaft.

7. What protection should a contract offer me? Your contract is the final document upon which all decisions will be based. If everything falls apart and you go to court, the lawyers will be pouring over your contract. (And a word of caution: I’ve dealt with at least one publisher whose contract language stated, "If we ever get sued, the author has to pay the legal bills." Yikes! Don’t agree to it — the publisher is your partner in this venture.)

8. What if there is a disagreement about the manuscript? Some contracts will state that the publisher won’t pay completion money until they deem the manuscript acceptable. That’s fair to a point, but it means they either need to define "acceptable," or they need to offer a mechanism for fixing the manuscript to make it acceptable. I certainly don’t expect a publisher to be on the hook for a bad manuscript, but an author who pours a year of his life into a book needs to be given some time to resolve the problem areas in his manuscript.

9. What will make me look stupid? Talking definitively about things you don’t know about. For example, there is a common myth out there that every author needs to demand cover approval. Rot. Unless you’re a marketing expert, why insist on this? I’ve had deals blow up because an author insisted on a particular cover, even though everybody involved thought it was hideous and would hurt sales. You’ve already learned to let the expert editor work on your words…so let the expert cover artists work on your covers. Admit you aren’t an expert at everything. It’s fine to expect your publisher to ask your input, but don’t set yourself up as an expert when you’re not one.

1o. Any landmines I’m missing? I can think of one…over the past couple of years, we’ve started to see some publisher insert a clause that says, "We’re planning to publish your book, but if we change our minds, we don’t have to pay you anything" or "If the market changes, we can cancel the whole schlamozzle at any time." Fight this. The clause is terrible. Look, either this is a contract or it’s just some good intentions. Either this is a legal agreement or it’s a collection of possible ideas. Would you sell your house to somebody who said, "Okay, I’ll pay you what you want for your home…but if, any time before closing, my wife decides she doesn’t like the drapes or paint, I might call the whole thing off"? A contract is a contract — make sure both sides are committed before signing.

Feel free to shoot your contract questions to me. I’ll try to answer them in the near future. -chip